


Diaries and Misgivings

by aliceslantern



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Family, Hurt/Comfort, RG Family Exchange, based on the Character Files, post KH3 and Re:mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23393506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliceslantern/pseuds/aliceslantern
Summary: Even accidentally stumbles upon Ienzo's diary, and what he sees causes him concern. But how to help when their relationship is already rocky?Inspired by Ienzo's Character File. Part of the Radiant Garden Family Exchange.
Relationships: Even & Ienzo (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45
Collections: Radiant Garden Family Exchange





	Diaries and Misgivings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chocomiruk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocomiruk/gifts).



It started with a diary.

Even had already noticed Ienzo was meticulous about documenting their work with Kairi’s heart--it was all accessible via their computer network. To see the boy carting around an actual physical notebook wasn’t completely odd. Maybe his eyes needed a rest from all the blue light. 

He would catch him writing in it at odd times; walking down hallways, before meals. If the boy wanted to keep a private journal, well, that was none of Even’s business. Things were awkward enough between the two of them without all that. Even did so want to repair their old bond, their old friendship. He had no idea where to begin. Ienzo had been cordial to him, but had kept a polite distance. After all, Even hadn’t exactly left under the clearest circumstances. Perhaps for a time the boy had thought he’d betrayed him--again.

The presence of guilt was new and nauseating. Hard to look at Ansem’s face, too.

One evening Even forgot some notes he needed (ever more forgetful, these days; was he merely becoming old?) and found himself returning to that godforsaken lab late in the night. He wasn’t sure why, but he was surprised to see Ienzo still hard at work, lines and lines of data on the screen. He was sitting, and his face was down on the desk. Asleep. He must’ve exhausted himself into a stupor, or else was taking a power nap. 

That little book was there, besides him… Even reached over so gently to shut it, only for one of the lines to catch his eye. 

_ I continue to live purely for atonement. _

He felt his heart catch. Oh, child. Ienzo stirred, and Even felt something like panic. But the boy was merely shifting position. Wearily, warily… Even returned to his quarters, only to have again forgotten what he’d come for.    
  
The line repeated itself to him, day in, day out. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it--as a human, he’d never been one to offer much emotional comfort, much tact. Despite studying the heart for years, his understanding of it was… pathetic, at best.

A thick, hot emotion often caught in his breast. Worry. He watched Ienzo as closely as he could. The boy wasn’t sleeping or eating enough, but neither were the rest of them. He looked perpetually exhausted, his eyes bloodshot and so empty. Even tried several times to check in with Ienzo, but every time he asked how the boy was doing he simply replied, “I’m well, Even, and yourself?”

Even was worried.

Surely, considering how he’d grown up, Ienzo was struggling to come to terms with humanity. Feeling--especially complex, adult emotion--was foreign to him, on top of the trauma, and the guilt Even knew they all carried like diving weights. Ienzo was not the type to… take such things into his own hands, as it were.

Wasn’t he?

Even struggled to come up with a script, with a plan. How to let Ienzo know he cared without revealing he’d violated his privacy? Things hadn’t been right between them, not for a long time, even before they were human again. Of all the bonds in this castle Even wanted to mend… this was the most important. All they had was each other, they who had betrayed one another. But if he were being honest… they all had one thing in common. They all had to be feeling this guilt. 

Was it enough to comment on how poorly Ienzo looked? He could see the boy lashing back with equal venom about Even’s own misgivings. Ienzo may not utilize Zexion’s sharp tongue much anymore, but Even just knew all that it was still there, curbed by conscience and social mores.

He was pondering this yet again one night. He knew sleep would remain a stranger, and got up to make himself some tea.

The boy was there in the kitchen, bleary-eyed, that eternal notebook in front of him, a pen in one trembling hand. Even could hear him breathe, almost jaggedly. The expression on his face was so unlike Ienzo’s normal neutral cordiality; it was drawn, woeful. In a flash, Even realized it was a mask, an act, and then felt so  _ slow _ for not realizing it sooner. 

They both looked at each other. Ienzo’s eyes were defiant, but at the same time, red and slightly swollen. 

Even swallowed. “...One would hope at this hour you’d be in bed,” he began timidly.

“I should say the same,” Ienzo levelled. He shut the book and moved to stand.

“...Tea?” Even tried to keep his expression placid, welcoming--something he’d always had trouble with. “I was about to make some for myself.”

“Quite kind, but I should take my leave.” He got up. Even could feel his chance slipping. He grasped the boy’s shoulder; there was something like alarm on his face at the unexpected touch.

“Please. It’s alright,” he added.

“I’m sure you would like a moment of peace as well,” Ienzo replied coolly. He shrugged off Even’s hand. “I should try to get some sleep. I was merely… trying up some loose ends.”

At this hour? He took a breath. At Ienzo’s back, he asked in what he hoped wasn’t an accusatory tone, “Before you go… I want to ask… Do you truly have nothing else to live for other than atonement?”

He tensed. When Ienzo turned Even could see that the wall had gone up, and was thicker than before. “What on earth gave you that asinine idea?” If he’d been quicker with this reply, he could’ve smoothed the situation over, and they both knew it.

Even sighed, and forged forward. “The other night, I’d forgotten something in the lab. I found you sleeping. That book was open. I did not mean to read it.”

Ienzo’s knuckles, on the spine of the notebook, were white. “You never did give one whit for privacy,” he said slowly. He took a step towards the door. 

“Will you stay a moment?”

“I’ve nothing else to say.”

“Well, I  _ do _ .” He frowned. “Ienzo--”

He looked down. His hair, always long and unruly, covered most of his face. 

“Child, I’m worried.”

“A first, then.”

Even scowled. “Do you not recall who came after you, all those times you tried to sneak away?”

His eyes were so cold; but Even suspected he saw something like pain in them. “I recall more the person who railed into me the moment I made the slightest mistake in my calculations.”

Even tried to breathe. The boy was trying to provoke his temper, to make him drop the subject, and it was very nearly working. “Then you’re forgetting a great many things, Ienzo.” He chanced a step forward. “I can only imagine how overwhelming this life must be for you. All these--emotions, foreign and large and cluttering. The presence of guilt, for the first time in years.”

“What else is it I feel, then?” Ienzo asked coolly. “If you know me better than I do.”

“If you feel--as I feel--” His heart beat heavily. “Then you feel as though the weight of humanity may make you drown.”

He kept his eyes on the floor.

“Child, you are worth more than this--”

“We killed people, Even,” he spat. “We ripped their hearts from their bodies and we made their worlds collapse and burn. If they should return--do you not think they’d be traumatized? All this horror, this hell, we’ve wrought. I’m supposed to--what--try to be happy?”

Even didn’t know what to say.

“I’ve committed far too many sins to set right in this life.”

“You were a child--”

“I still made those decisions. I still should’ve known right from wrong. Always, always I was  _ loyal _ to that  _ Organization. _ Up until the end.” He laughed, darkly. It sent chills down Even’s spine. “I believed what we were doing--was  _ right. _ ”

“Xehanort manipulated you--”

“It doesn’t matter.” He said each word slowly and quite loudly. 

“On the contrary, I believe it does. Ienzo. Who do you think steered you onto this path? Do you truly think you, being, what, six years old when this all started, would have chosen this life for yourself? Were you not goaded and encouraged to be eager to please, always? I failed you, Ienzo.  _ I _ was supposed to protect you against ills. I didn’t. Who were you to become? Grown up in darkness, in nothing, with a maniac constantly feeding lotus flowers to your brilliance. No conscience, no feelings to understand what you were being asked to do. What other choice did you have? Do you truly think you would  _ magically _ know this wasn’t the right path?”

“Isn’t education supposed to stop that? All the literature and philosophy I’ve read--”

“Education is a tool,” Even said. “For those on either side.”

He seemed shaken. “What of when I was eighteen, nineteen? Sora and Riku are children, yet they too fought the thrall of darkness.”

“You cannot seriously hold yourself to that standard.”

“This is going nowhere,” Ienzo said simply. He turned to leave. “I seek to pay for what I did. Is that so hard to understand?”

“It isn’t. And I hope to atone too. But--” He felt a creep of desperation. “Burying yourself under all this work isn’t going to help you. There’s so much to this life, Ienzo. You’re so young. I’d hate you to spend the rest of your days in misery because of circumstances out of your control. What would you have done? Where would you have gone?”

“Then?” he asked softly. 

“Yes. We were all you had. All you knew. All of the… little pieces that pulled you apart--Xehanort’s manipulation, all the lies you were told about Ansem… they broke you. You were too vulnerable, psychologically, to resist. And yes, you did make mistakes. We all have. I think that… well. It says a lot about the person you  _ truly _ are that you’ve chosen the path of light the moment you had agency. Is that person not worth more than a life of drudgery?”

“Then what, pray tell, should I do?” He really wanted the answer. “This is all I’ve ever known. Routines, work… planning and scheming. Am I to simply… move on?” He looked at his hands. “How can I honestly be worth more than that?”

Even could feel a lump in his throat. This was all his fault. “It’s not as though a life of suffering will help things.”

Quite quietly, “I suppose not.”

“Let’s be logical about this,” Even said. “If there was anyone else other than you in this exact situation, would you blame them for what they did?”

“It is… complicated.”

“You can take accountability for your actions while also acknowledging your hand was forced,” Even said. He had no idea at this point if what he was saying was complete nonsense. All he knew was that he seemed to be getting somewhere. “Yes?”

“I… suppose.”

“Besides, in order to atone, you must also realize you’re one of the victims,” he added. “To allow this to consume your life will also keep giving that bastard power.”

“I… am?” His expression was stricken.

Even blinked. “Child, you did not  _ willingly _ cast aside your heart, did you?”

“No.” He swallowed. “I… I never…” He was looking at the floor still, but Even could see his eyes were watering. “Yes, I suppose… that is true.” He shuddered a little. 

“We’ve been given an opportunity for a normal life despite the odds,” Even told him. He chanced taking Ienzo’s hand; the boy didn’t pull away. “If fate believed we did not belong here, it’s had many chances to stop us. We do deserve some small part of this. Maybe you should consider finding it… one of your assignments.”

“Quite.” Then, “ _ quite _ .”

“Sit for a moment,” Even said. “Catch your breath.”

Ienzo did so. Even pretended not to notice him wiping at his eyes. 

“Moreover, you do not need to keep all this to yourself,” Even said. “I should like to earn your trust again, Ienzo.”

He nodded once. “Yes, I will… try.”


End file.
